Confusion

I gave myself the name Valerie.  It means strength.   I thought it is a name that signifies all the traits that I require in order to survive my journey.   I desire strength, emotional and mental strength.   And after years of isolation, never having anyone to talk about my issues.   I thought I had toughen up, I thought I had it all.

Then when I return after the major operation.   Things didn't go as well as I hoped it would.   I was distressed.   But I hang on and I kept pushing on.    I felt lost... losing my sense of purpose after losing my job.   It was a difficult time adjusting to the changes in the work environment.  


Then he came into my life, he was always there.   I just never saw him any other way than as a friend. Never did I expect him to help me.   Never did I expect him to spend hours talking to me that none has ever done for me in the past decade or so.   I never felt that they understood or were patient enough to empathize.   Until he came along.     I didn't expect him to support me, to listen.  To offer advice.

He cheered me up when I was feeling down.   Most importantly, he made me laugh and made me feel special.  

Then it suddenly stopped.  He felt that I didn't need him anymore.  We had our disagreements from time to time.   He called me a bitch.   Said I was abrasive. 

I look forward to seeing him, hearing his voice, reading his messages.   I don't need him anymore, I want him.   I don't understand what is happening.  I built a wall made of ice around myself so I would never get hurt again.

Yet it still happened.   I thought I had figured it all out.   I thought I knew myself.   I hate myself.  I hate myself for being so emotionally and mentally weak.  I knew it was impossible between us and yet I still feel so strongly for him.

What is wrong with me?   I cannot take this anymore.   Everyday it hurts just knowing and thinking about it.   Now he has a date.   I should be happy for him as a friend.  But I am hurting inside.   So much pain. 

I just want the pain to stop.   I just want to forget him.   I just want myself to disappear.
I want to sleep forever and never wake up.